How an Arsenal v Liverpool match would play out under Marco van Basten's weird new rules

We pitted the Gunners against the Reds in an entirely made-up match featuring the new rules that Marco van Basten wants to bring into football - and this is what "happened"

These two go head-to-head in a game of Van BastenBall
We've all got our issues with modern football - and some are a lot more pressing than others - but broadly speaking the actual game itself is alright, isn't it?
The rules and regulations have stayed pretty much the same for a long, long time, and the game is all the better for them.
But if it was up to FIFA technical director, Marco van Basten, then they could soon be about to change.
The Dutch legend wants to bring in radical reforms to the sport that we all know and love, but how will they effect the biggest matches?
Well, we've exclusively imagined a match between two of the leading sides in England and given them Van Basten's rules to play by.
Welcome to Arsenal v Liverpool: Van BastenBall.
First quarter
With both teams missing key players - Alex Iwobi for Arsenal and Sadio Mane for Liverpool, both of whom have already played too many matches this season due to African Cup of Nations qualifiers - both teams take to the field.
With neither team needing to play the offside trap, Alexis Sanchez, Philippe Coutinho, Mesut Ozil and Roberto Firmino all score in the first 10 minutes from a combined distance of six yards.
Shortly before quarter-time, Sanchez makes it 3-2 with a take-on penalty after Ragnar Klavan commits his fifth foul of the match and is sin-binned.
Second quarter
Granit Xhaka goes in the bin for pulling Coutinho's shirt, and after Nacho Monreal, Shkodran Mustafi and Laurent Koscielny argue with the referee about the decision, all three of them are awarded orange cards and follow him in there.
With their sin bin overflowing but also not needing to play offside, the remaining seven Gunners players simply line up along the goalline, blocking every shot that Liverpool attempt.
It works.
Third quarter
With both teams having made four changes, Coutinho - who along with Ozil has been completely ineffective in open play due to the death of through balls along with offsides - scores from a free-kick awarded for Francis Coquelin's fifth foul of the day.
The Frenchman is sin-binned, leading to Liverpool establishing dominance and winning a take-on penalty scored by James Milner.
Fourth quarter
Leading 4-3, Liverpool leave Daniel Sturridge sitting down on the edge of the Arsenal penalty area and waiting for a tap-in.
He gets one, but Arsenal hit straight back as Olivier Giroud comes off the bench for the fourth time in the afternoon to score two late goals in the "effective" playing time of the final 10 minutes, when the ball has to be on the pitch for the entire time.
And so we go to penalty take-ons.
Penalty take-ons
Neither goalkeeper makes a save for the first 57 penalty take-ons before, with players on both sides absolutely shattered, Per Mertesacker takes longer than the required eight seconds to run 25 yards towards the goal - falling just 17 seconds short.
Liverpool win, with Klopp congratulating his players and stating that he's looking forward to his team's next match in 27 days time.
Go sports!